You know what I’m so sick and tired of? People shouting praises to the game ICO. I have heard time and again how “it’s the greatest game ever!” and “it’s criminally under-rated!”
Well I’m here to tell you all something: It sucks. It is under-rated but for a very good reason. It has some glaring obvious flaws, it is undeserving of all the praise it got and it deserved to be a poor seller, forever condemned to obscurity which is where it belonged.
That being said I have taken the various arguments made for ICO and prepared a series of retorts that will show up ICO for the tripe that it is.
It was made on the motivation of being something that had never been seen before
Are you joking? This is the gaming industry we’re talking about here! The age of ideas is long gone and now we’re all thriving on recycled ideas! If you’re going to bring in something completely new in this age of five second attention spans then of course you’re going to fail.
It shows what can happen when you experiment with the hardware you’re utilising
Come again? When was the age of experimentation? In the eighties when people were making games? I appreciate they’re pioneering spirit but please: They’re old so sod off. Currently, we have lot’s of ideas floating around so why make up new ones when the old ideas are working just fine as they are?
Furthermore, you call a white-washed graphical look experimentation? Hate to break this to you but a limited colour palette does not make for a great game! No, give me the spectacle over substance any day.
There is no story: All of it is left to our imagination
Tell me one thing: Who the hell plays games in this day and age when there is no story? I’ve been told that people that people play games that are actual games as opposed to interactive storybooks but I digress. I like to know where I’m going and I’ll gladly follow a strictly rigid path to get there.
As for imagination, who on God’s green Earth uses their imagination these days? I prefer to let someone else do my thinking for me and to have everything spelled out for me in large letters. I’ve been told that I should relate to Ico and feel confused as he is. And to that end I will admit I did feel confused: as to why anyone would fall head over heels in love for this nonsense.
It succeeds in having puzzles over conflict
Well dur! If you don’t have violence and blood in games today of course you’re going to fail! Instead, blood and gore is such a mainstay in gaming today that any game being slapped with G logo is a death warrant. G games are strictly for kids! Anyone knows that without needing to pick up a controller! But seriously no one thinks things through anymore. Any game in this day and age can’t succeed without violence and gore. That’s like saying people play God of War for the gameplay.
Yorda
The object of the game is for ICO to guide Yorda through many of the puzzles and obstacles that litter the castle. And no wonder she needs rescuing: She is hopeless! She can’t jump very well, she can’t defend herself and she is continually relying in on Ico for help. If Lara Croft has taught us anything, its women characters are useless if they don’t have a rack big enough to land stealth bombers on.
Also, why is Ico helping her? What the hell are we meant to feel without any dialogue or narrative? How are we meant to feel for his (and her) predicament? Correct me if I’m wrong but in this era of modern gaming, subtlety only works when it’s applied with a sledgehammer.
Emotional Weight
Hahahaha – you’re kidding right? What place does emotion have in gaming today? None whatsoever if the death of Aerith Gainsborough in Final Fantasy VII is anything to go by.
So much attention has been paid to the castle design: It is detailed, very realistic looking, atmospheric, an architectural marvel and demands interaction. The castle is even a character in itself.
You can’t expect me to pay attention to a character if it doesn’t talk. End of story
It succeeds on an ambient level.
Hate to break this to you but I expect my games to loud bombastic and wrapped in a big package of WOW to be of any use to me. Minimalism? Which requires a need to pay full attention? Give me a break.
And on that note, where the hell is the music in this game? Some crummy sounds used in sparing moments? What is this, a crappy game from the 8-bit era? Where are the loud rock/metal guitars that proliferate games these days? It’s not as if any game can succeed without them – After all, look at Guitar Hero!
It succeeds on so many levels that it’s a single entity rather than a bundle of features.
Sorry but I thought that you can succeed with crummy gameplay once you have awesome graphics and music! What type of douche puts so much thought into each and every levels of a game?! ICO is an entity? Pull the other one
It is short but had it gone on any longer, the maker’s intention would have been lost
What? The intention to bore me senseless with even more ‘subtly’? Isn’t bad enough that I’ll never be able to get those five hours of my life back?!
It have provided a subtle influence to other games namely, Legend of Zelda; Twilight Princess, Metal gear Solid 3 and Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
All of which were infinitely better games and based on established franchises. Good day!
And there you have it: A complete dissection of Ico and why it’s not as great as everyone believes. Why people still think it’s a marvel despite age and lack of sales is beyond me.
This was then followed immediately by the following:
No doubt you’re all clenching your fist with rage having read that opening post but before you all start sending me death threats, I’ll let you in on a secret:
This is a JOKE
That’s right, that essay was written purely for satirical purposes.
I myself love ICO, I think it’s one of the greatest game ever made and I’m mystified as to why it was never a big hit.
So with no reasoning behind ICO’s obscurity, I decided to come up with some.
Thus, you can all breathe a sigh of relief. But still even if the above essay as written as a joke, there is always the sad thought that people like the one I’ve described above quite possibly exist in the world…
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